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Featured in: Dating, Courtship, Marriage
In the Baha’i teachings marriage is referred to as “a fortress for wellbeing” and family is considered a fundamental and indispensable unit of society and the mainstay of community life.
When Baha’i institutions ask me to give a workshop about marriage or couples come for support… can you guess the MOST requested topic?
You guessed it: consultation.
Not that long ago, I wrote about why consultation is so important in marriage and gave 10 ideas for consulting effectively which offered some big-picture practices and principles. For this article, I want to break consultation, which is a lofty and spiritual practice, into a simple, real-world guide – something that feels attainable enough and practical enough that you may want to stick on the fridge and refer to when you need to make a decision together or sort out a challenging problem. While my suggestions are geared towards married couples, they can apply to a variety of settings and scenarios.
And I’ll be honest with you — I personally throw the word ‘consult’ around way more than I actually put it into practice. I mean, how often do we say, ‘I need to consult with my spouse about that’ and then simply state, ‘honey, we’re doing to the Smith’s house on Sunday for dinner, okay?’. I suppose it makes me feel a bit like a better Baha’i just by using that word!
But, kidding aside… consultation can be a HUGE source of help in your marriage. It just needs to be a little more intentional than having a quick chat (if you want the promised results). Baha’u’llah tells us:
…consultation is the lamp of guidance which leadeth the way, and is the bestower of understanding.1
So my goal of this article is to help you feel more confident (and even excited) to use consultation a bit more in your Divine Institution that is your marriage. Of course, this is just one of many ways to conduct Baha’i consultation but, disclaimer aside, I think it’s a pretty effective one.
If you’d like a much deeper look at Baha’i consultation, I highly recommend the book Consultation by John E. Kolstoe. Don’t be deceived by the simple cover, it packs a punch inside.
Alright, let’s get to the 8 simple steps to effective consultation in your marriage:
The first condition is absolute love and harmony…2
The second condition: They must when coming together turn their faces to the Kingdom on High and ask aid from the Realm of Glory.3
It should be borne in mind that all consultation is aimed at arriving at a solution to a problem…4
This might take some investigation and time. But try to do this step before moving on- otherwise you will get caught up in ‘he said/she said’.
They must in every matter search out the truth…5
They must then proceed with the utmost devotion, courtesy, dignity, care and moderation to express their views.6
Talkers: limit your sharing to one idea and pause to let the listener make sure they understand you, speak with courtesy and moderation and share your truth while remembering it’s not THE truth.
Listeners: make sure you understand your partner by repeating back what you heard and asking, ‘Did I get it right?’ This will feel weird and robot-like at first but will be very helpful, I promise.
There are, therefore, times when a wife should defer to her husband, and times when a husband should defer to his wife, but neither should ever unjustly dominate the other.7
Write down who is responsible for what and be as detailed as possible: mark ‘to-dos’ on the calendar or set reminders on your phone.
And for an extra bonus: schedule a follow-up. So you can reflect to see if the plan is working and what to adjust. This will help with accountability too.
And now let’s not only celebrate that you clicked on an article about consultation but that you made it to the end!!! Extra points if you print it out (or at least write down the 8 steps) and put it somewhere that you have the most discussions.
Happy consulting!
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I absolutely love this article! It gives great insight my husband and me, as newlyweds, could use as a guide for future consultations. It’s a good guide for any couple could use, not just a married couple.
Zia G. (December 12, 2016 at 1:08 AM)
I worked on exactly the same topic, with some similar ideas. Good work! Congratulations. Now to “do it”.
Randy Focht (September 9, 2019 at 6:27 AM)
Fantastic article! I incorporated the concepts into a presentation on family financial planning, for my students at Hartnell College in California.
Travis Williams (January 1, 2022 at 10:33 PM)