Thoughts on Acknowledging Sexism and Taking Responsibility

#MeToo revealed the discrimination and violence women regularly met in the film and television industry. The nefarious, premeditated, and enabled predation of Harvey Weinstein was the first to be highlighted. Weinstein, rightfully, was convicted of his crimes and will likely remain in prison for the rest of his life. The outcome of his case is not largely debated–he committed a crime almost regularly and repeatedly. He was violent and aggressive. He fit the bill of nearly every stereotype of who a predator was or what sex-based discrimination appeared like. 

The conviction of Weinstein sparked an outcry and prompted so many to come forward with their own stories. Figures who had been fixtures of our TV screens and movie theaters found themselves accused and shunned. Were some like Weinstein? Absolutely. Were some non-violent but still criminal? Yes. What about creepy without being criminal? Certainly. Sexist without an ounce of self-awareness? Oh, yes. What about sexist while spouting the illusion of equality and justice? That too–yes. 

Sexism is ubiquitous–that much is clear. In the Baha’i Faith, the consequences of sexism are also dire: 

“Until womankind reaches the same degree as man, until she enjoys the same arena of activity, extraordinary attainment for humanity will not be realized; humanity cannot wing its way to heights of real attainment.”¹ 

Baha’is embrace and endorse this quote and fully back the belief of the equality of rights between men and women but we are still learning how it translates into reality. What does it actually mean to not be sexist? What does it actually mean for women to enjoy the same arena of activity or for her to reach the same degree as men? How does sexual harassment and general sexism even play into this? 

Sexual harassment–in the most minimal and general sense–consists of sexual communication which would lead to a hostile environment. This communication need not be nefarious in intent. This communication need not be about seeking a romantic partner. It need not even be graphic. It can be spoken by a person who is in a loving and committed relationship to a colleague who is likewise, happily coupled. Intent is not the issue–reception and environment is. 

This is where it can become confusing: how can we predict people’s reception? Why should we be responsible for an individual always assuming the worst? What if we just meant to be funny? We insist we aren’t bad. 

At 21, I was in a car accident. I wasn’t paying attention in a parking lot and overran a stop sign before I was t-boned by another vehicle. At the time, I was intensely stressed from a traumatic loss in my life as well as the rising anxieties of being a senior in college, having to venture into adulthood in so few months. I was lost and looking for a sign, eager to meet my sister-in-law and a friend for coffee. I, of course, didn’t want to be the cause of an accident, but my distractions, my stress, and my tiredness, contributed to my recklessness. I was at fault. I took responsibility and paid for the damages. Even if the driver of the other car announced my carelessness to the world to my humiliation, he would not have been necessarily wrong. I needed to seek grace from elsewhere for my errors, and work on myself. 

Would it be kind of an individual to offer grace and forgiveness? Surely, for no one is perfect. But are they under any obligation to? No. It is not for the one who caused harm to judge how the person harmed receives it or reacts. 

The man whose car I hit, though, seemed like a reasonable person. I’d like to think he went home and vented about me but softened when the call from his insurance company stated there would be no argument about who was at fault. I was sober and licensed and caused minor damage. Everything was fixable and repairable. Fine, let’s move on. 

But what if I didn’t have a license? What if I had been drunk? What if it was in fact, the fifth time I had made such an error? How would all of this have factored into the grace I would assume a reasonable person would begin to bestow? 

I tell this story to offer a parable. Sexism is ubiquitous. It can be the result of ego (I don’t care that I keep getting into fenderbenders! It happens! Get over it!) , truly mal intent (I can’t wait to hit someone with my car because I’m mad!) or just mild carelessness (I was tired and sad and giving into my lower nature–I’m sorry). 

Regardless of where it comes from–it still happens–and the perpetrator of it must still repair. 

As women typically do, I’ve heard many inappropriate jokes or comments from male friends or colleagues and partners. Like most minor fender-benders, I’ve quickly made repairs. People say stupid things begotten of a bad day, or ignorance, or experience. We move on.

Some accidents, though, leave a bigger dent. Others keep happening as minor bumps that repeat, building on the last before a trip to the shop can even be taken, that makes me wonder–is this even an accident? Suddenly the environment has changed, and I’m uncomfortable. So it is with the beginning of the bubble of sex-based discrimination and harassment. 

Is it just to ask a person who has been hit repeatedly by your car–minorly or majorly–to forgive you because you truly didn’t mean it? You’re just tired. You didn’t know better, you insist. 

What if it’s a person who has no context for your personality and only knows you through work and employment? Is it just at all for them to magically know your intentions were pure and not seeded in discrimination or something more sinister?

The building of relationships with others takes time. As it is with modesty, we need to be aware and mindful of the things we give or present. Is this the right time for me to say such a thing? Is this the right context? I swear I mean well, but how will this be understood? I don’t want to hit another car, but will I if I press the gas at this moment? 

Every one who acts in a sexist manner is not a Weinstein, nor is every one who is at fault for an accident a bad driver. Context matters. Intent manners. However, if I am repeatedly the cause of car accidents, it’s important to ask why. At some point, it must be upon us to ask ourselves why we find ourselves in similar situations repeatedly, or why multiple women feel it’s important to criticize our behaviour. But are we taking the time to call ourselves to account, or are we only expecting those we’ve hurt to consistently offer grace?

“Bring thyself to account each day ere thou art summoned to a reckoning.”²

Reckonings are not made of dust. They are armed with experiences and feelings built upon one another. Reckonings are also painful, but they can and should be the beginning of a change:

“The world in the past has been ruled by force, and man has dominated over woman by reason of his more forceful and aggressive qualities both of body and mind. But the balance is already shifting; force is losing its dominance, and mental alertness, intuition, and the spiritual qualities of love and service, in which woman is strong, are gaining ascendancy.”³

Change is difficult. “Aggressive qualities” are things we may not even be aware that we have possessed. I hardly even realize I’m drifting over the lane when my car begins to beep at me. The new red lights on the avenue next over are annoying and tedious–they seem to make every trip slower. As we inch towards this better world, I’m sure many regulations will change as we consistently keep them under review. Then again, I’m also sure we’re approaching safety–and far more freedom. 

1. Abdu’l-Baha The Promulgation of Universal Peace, 375 [↩]
2. Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words [↩]
3. Abdu’l-Baha, To Set the World in Order: Building and Preserving Strong Marriages [↩]

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Nadia Kardan

Nadia Kardan is a writer, schoolteacher, and active feminist. In addition to teaching full time, and finalizing her first novel, Nadia hosts weekly devotionals entitled “Feminism and Spirituality” designed to deepen attendees on the the spiritual solutions to gender equality and on the laws of the Baha’i Faith. She lives in New York City with her cat Emma. Connect with her on https://www.nadiakardan.com/