My Reflections on Finding Healing Through Forgiveness

Trigger warning: in the following article, the author mentions child abuse.

Parental abuse on vulnerable children, whether physical, emotional, psychological or sexual, can have profound and long-lasting effects on an individual’s well-being. It often leaves survivors with deep emotional scars that persist into adulthood, making it challenging to find the path to forgiveness and healing. The resulting anger, resentment, and mistrust makes forgiveness seem impossible.

Fortunately, the Baha’i Faith, with its teachings of love, compassion, and reconciliation, offers a unique perspective on how to forgive parents who may have inflicted abuse during a child’s formative years

It is my understanding that forgiveness is not about excusing or justifying abusive behaviour but rather, it is about finding inner peace and liberation from the emotional burden of anger and resentment. The Baha’i Faith encourages individuals to seek forgiveness, both for themselves and for those who have wronged them.

This is a path that only the victim can come to grips with by themselves, and everyone’s situation is different. I believe that when we reach out and take the hand of God, and give Him our pain, it’s possible to learn the steps we need to take towards forgiveness.

I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by both parents, a grandfather and uncle; as well as the teachers at one of my schools. As a result, I’ve gone through several stages in my understanding of if or why or how to forgive my childhood abusers. 

In the early days of my recovery, I found this quotation from Abdu’l-Baha:

If someone commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him.¹

I certainly wasn’t in a position to instantly forgive, but I sincerely wanted to be obedient, so my prayers in those days went like this: “OK God, I can’t forgive them, but You can, so please do!”

One day I wrote to the Universal House of Justice and it counselled me:

As a devoted believer you are urged to strive to develop for­giveness in your heart toward your parents who have abused you in so disgraceful a manner, and to attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature, whose actions can only lead them deeper into unhappiness and separation from God.

This was totally liberating! I loved the phrase “strive to develop”, which suggested that it could take a lifetime, and even if I never got there, as long as I was striving to develop, that was OK with God.

Secondly, I had to develop forgiveness “in my heart”, not between my parents and I! So if I was never able to spend time with them again, it was enough to develop it in my heart, between God and I. 

Finally, the House of Justice encouraged me to separate my parents from their sin – a concept I’ve just learned recently, but when I come back to this quote now, I can see what this means “to attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature”. By refusing to forgive them, I was not honouring the perfect beings that God created, I was only seeing the monsters of their lower natures. That truly was liberating!

The House of Justice reminds us:

The peerless example of Abdu’l-Baha merits close scrutiny in your quest for a sense of forgiveness; His abiding love for humanity, despite its waywardness and perversity enabled Him to manifest sincere compassion and magnanimity to those who had brought Him distress and hardship. 

But I love this quotation from Abdul-Baha too:

. . . if a person falls into errors for a hundred-thousand times he may yet turn his face to you, hopeful that you will forgive his sins; for he must not become hopeless, neither grieved nor despondent. This is the conduct and the manner of the people of Baha. This is the foundation of the most high pathway!²

Although the Baha’i Faith promotes reconciliation and healing within families, forgiveness may not always lead to a restoration of the parent-child relationship. This was certainly the case in my life. Speaking about the abuse resulted in being shunned by my family and I was cut out of my mother’s will. Forgiveness did pave the way for my recovery, though, and gave me a lighter heart.

While forgiveness didn’t (and can’t) erase the scars of my abuse, it did lead to a sense of inner peace and liberated me from the burdens of anger and resentment. In the spirit of the Baha’i Faith’s teachings of love, compassion, and reconciliation, I did find the path to healing and forgiveness, which has freed me somewhat from the painful legacy of parental abuse.

Forgiving parents who have abused their children is not easy. It’s a complex and deeply personal process. I’m grateful that the Baha’i Faith offers a compassionate and holistic approach to finding forgiveness and healing. By seeking forgiveness, cultivating compassion, turning to prayer and meditation, detaching from past hurts, engaging in acts of service, and promoting reconciliation it’s possible to find the strength to confront emotions and work towards forgiveness and I am grateful!

1. Abdu’l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace [↩]
2. Abdu’l-Baha, quoted in the compilation Excellence in All Things [↩]

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Susan Gammage

Susan Gammage, MES, Certified Life Coach, author, educator and researcher, maintains an active Baha'i-inspired life coaching practice, which focuses on applying Baha'i principles to day-to-day situations. She is the author of "Violence and Abuse: Reasons and Remedies", a compilation of quotes from the Baha'i Writings and is currently working on several other books including a Baha'i Perspective on "Overcoming Anxiety and Depression"; "The Courage to be Chaste in a Sexual World"; the "Baha'i Marriage Manual" and "The Spiritual Roots of Disease". Visit her Bookstore; get your Free E-Books ; sign up for her Newsletter; and follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin.