My Thoughts on Letting Go of Fear and Self-Pity

I’ve suffered from fear and self-pity for most of my life as a result of severe childhood trauma, and I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression nearly 40 years ago. These two powerful emotions held me back, and prevented me from living a fulfilling and purposeful life.

I personally felt that as long as I accepted the diagnosis, I had a medical condition and there was very little I could do about it. But when I reframed my diagnosis as fear and self-pity and looked to the Baha’i Writings, my perception changed and I felt I had some control. I was empowered to believe there were things I could do.

I’ve come to appreciate that fear is a natural human emotion, coming from my primitive brain, which responds to threats through fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses. It’s often triggered by uncertainty, change, perceived threats or triggers from our past. While fear is meant to protect us, excessive or irrational fear can lead to avoidance behaviours, and a diminished quality of life.

Fear and faith are equal: both project into the future and both demand to be fulfilled.  When I’m in fear, and I often am, I believe that only bad things are coming my way.  When I have faith, I ask God for the things I’m hoping for, and trust that He’s going to answer my prayer, in His way, in His time, even if His answer is no.

Self-pity is the opposite of having faith. It is a self-destructive emotion rooted in feelings of victim thinking or “poor me”. It involves dwelling on our misfortunes and difficulties, often to the detriment of personal growth and positive relationships. It is a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can save us, because we have chosen to sink into its warm embrace. Christian Minister Henry Wright calls it the “superglue of hell” because it can be so hard to let go of. 

Self-pity is fear based, not faith based. When I’m in self-pity I believe the past is dictating the future–because this terrible thing happened to me (poor me), I’m never going to be happy again. I make my fear bigger than God’s ability to heal and resolve it. 

I get to choose: am I going to be the servant of faith or the servant of fear? 

With regards to fear, Abdul-Baha tells us what happens when we give in to it:

It has been conducive to the dispersion and weakening of human thought.¹

And the solution:

Sometimes if the nervous system is paralyzed through fear, a spiritual remedy is necessary.²

The Baha’i Faith encourages us to confront our fears with courage and reliance on God.

Baha’u’llah teaches us:

Whatever decreaseth fear increaseth courage.³ 

What decreases fear? Love of and nearness to God!

How do we know this? Because Baha’u’llah tells us that:

Wouldst thou have Me, seek none other than Me; and wouldst thou gaze upon My beauty, close thine eyes to the world and all that is therein; for My will and the will of another than Me, even as fire and water, cannot dwell together in one heart.⁴

And He quotes a Hadith when He says:

Love is a distinction never conferred upon a heart possessed by fear and dread.⁵

From this I understand if have fear and self-pity in my heart, God’s love can’t dwell there, and that the more I put God’s love in my heart, I’ll stop feeding fear and self-pity.

Abdu’l-Baha tells us:

It was the Love of God that […] gave to Moses courage and patience.⁶

So it seems to me that God is telling us that love, by decreasing fear, increases courage.

How can we feel God’s love? Baha’u’llah tells us clearly:

Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant.⁴

By turning to prayer and meditation as tools for self-reflection and transformation, we can find the strength to face our fears, understanding that we are not alone in our struggles. Trusting in God’s guidance can help alleviate anxiety and empower us to take positive action.

In addition, regularly turning to prayer and meditation can help us confront the negative thought patterns that contribute to self-pity and replace them with gratitude and resilience.

Service to humanity is another way to let go of fear and self-pity. Abdu’l-Baha is reported to have said in a pilgrim’s note:

[…] if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you.⁷

By focusing on the needs of others, we can shift our attention away from our own fears and concerns. Service not only fosters empathy but also provides a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

Baha’is are encouraged to detach themselves from material possessions and worldly attachments. This detachment helps reduce the fear of loss and the anxiety associated with material concerns. As an example, one time I was holding onto so many journals from decades gone by, and I got it into my head that “what if there was a fire and I’d lose them all”. I was thinking of getting a fire-proof metal strong box to store them in. I realized that by letting go of the journals, I’d have one less thing to worry about. Instead, I asked God to help me remember what was in them, if and when it became important. I felt lighter and lighter. 

Finally, I also believe that being part of a Baha’i community and regularly participating in its activities provides a sense of belonging and support, which can counter the isolation often associated with self-pity. Through shared experiences and mutual encouragement, we can overcome self-pity and find strength in belonging.

Fear and self-pity are formidable emotional barriers that can hinder our growth and well-being. I’d be remiss if I didn’t also say that recovery from the stresses leading to fear and self-pity can be lengthy and can also require the guidance and help of trained professionals.

As someone who suffers from fear and self-pity, I’ve found it very helpful to turn to healing remedies given by the Divine Physician, along with regular therapy. To the extent I’m able, when I’m reliant on God, serve others, pray, meditate, and become detached from materialism, I have found the inner strength and resilience needed to confront my fears and transform self-pity into gratitude and purpose. Knowing this, I am grateful! 

1. Abdu’l-Baha, The Promugation of Universal Peace [↩]
2. Abdu’l-Baha, Star of the West, Vol 8, Issue 18 [↩]
3. Baha’u’llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf [↩]
4. Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words [↩] [↩]
5. Baha’u’llah, The Call of the Divine Beloved [↩]
6. Abdu’l-Baha, Paris Talks [↩]
7. The Research Department has found that these words were attributed to Abdu’l-Baha in an unpublished English translation of notes in German by Dr. Josephine Fallscheer taken on 5 August 1910. As the statement is a pilgrim note, it cannot be authenticated. [↩]

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Susan Gammage

Susan Gammage, MES, Certified Life Coach, author, educator and researcher, maintains an active Baha'i-inspired life coaching practice, which focuses on applying Baha'i principles to day-to-day situations. She is the author of "Violence and Abuse: Reasons and Remedies", a compilation of quotes from the Baha'i Writings and is currently working on several other books including a Baha'i Perspective on "Overcoming Anxiety and Depression"; "The Courage to be Chaste in a Sexual World"; the "Baha'i Marriage Manual" and "The Spiritual Roots of Disease". Visit her Bookstore; get your Free E-Books ; sign up for her Newsletter; and follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin.